Archive for January, 2015

We are never broken….

When my Interstim Implant broke, it was a moment of heartache for me.  That sense of security that I had relished in since August 2011, shattered.  The incontinence came back, full force.  Waves of devastation as I realized that I, once more, was pieces.  Physical and emotional carnage ensued….back to wearing protection, missing out on activities, physical pain and discomfort, emotional distress.  For me, all hinged on a successful re-implant surgery on November 21.  Sadly, even though I surrounded myself with the best surgical team, even though the surgery itself was successful, even though I spent 4 weeks in a restrictive lifestyle to give the implant time to heal,  the programming of the device has proved tricky this time.  The first time I had the implant (2011), I was lucky enough to get the right combination of programming right away, and within the first couple of days I noticed a drastic success.  This time, I am still waiting, waiting for that perfect combination of nerve stimulation to become programmed.

However, all is not lost.  After talking with my surgeon, I realize now that there are many combinations of programming that we have yet to explore.  Many ways that this device can make me whole again.  Many ways to heal these broken pieces.  Many ways to find peace.

Fittingly, this song has been on my playlist in our van as we have ventured out for the holiday season.  It makes me think about the birth trauma, my life after my therapies, my surgery, my role as an advocate, my current trials and tribulations, and the way that I can shape a negative experience into a positive one.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

“Hands” By Jewel

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we’re all OK
And not to worry ’cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won’t be made useless
I won’t be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they’re not yours, they are my own
But they’re not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn’t steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn’t ever after
We’ll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what’s right
‘Cause where there’s a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they’re not yours, they are my own
But they’re not yours, they are my own
I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
My hands are small I know
But they’re not yours, they are my own
But they’re not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they’re not yours, they are my own
But they’re not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God’s eyes
God’s hands
God’s mind
We are God’s eyes
God’s hands
God’s heart
We are God’s eyes
God’s hands
God’s eyes
We are God’s hands
We are God’s hands

 

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