Archive for The Trauma(s)

The Dance of Life

{ January 12, 2012 @ 2:19 am } · { The Purpose, The Trauma(s) }
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“And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance”

The Dance-Garth Brooks

 I believe that everything happens for a reason.  This thought pattern has been particularly hard to reconcile whilst experiencing this hardship.  Someone once asked me, “If you could go back, change how things were done, would you?”  My answer in the beginning of this trial in my life was “absolutely, of course!”  With careful reflection, intense therapy, and lots of support, my answer now is a firm “no.”  Why?  Because I believe in a higher purpose.  This was my trial to bear; this experience has made me into a strong advocate, has strengthened my ties with my family, and has allowed me to feel grateful for all of the “goodness” in my life.  I hope that my story can influence the medical community, and more importantly, anyone who has gone through, or will go through this process.

Thanks for Reading,

Lauren


Familar Routines

{ January 5, 2012 @ 3:05 am } · { The PTSD, The Trauma(s) }
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One thing that people need to know about PTSD is that is paralyzes you.  With me, this paralysis was evident in my lack of spontaneity, my loss of freedom, and the limited choices and locations that were “safe” for me to engage in or visit.  One of PTSD’s major hallmarks is avoidance.  I avoided my many triggers and essentially guarded my mind against potential triggers by avoiding many people and locations.

Some people with PTSD develop agoraphobia and will not leave their house, their safe area.  Although never diagnosed with full-blown agoraphobia, I definitely experienced the panic that new areas, or areas with known triggers had on me.  For three years, there were a lot of things I did not do, experiences I did not engage in, people I did not meet, and places I did not see-all because of PTSD.

When I did venture out, it was never on my own at first. I always had a person with me, an advocate, who could steer me away from potential triggers, or help to calm my panic ridden self if a trigger was unavoidable.  After time and through therapy, I was able to safely navigate these areas as long as I had an “escape” plan at my disposal if the panic set in.  The places that I personally deemed “safe” were a trip to the library (children’s section only-adult books may prove to much of a trigger), a once a week extended family dinner, and certain classes at the gym (where the average age was 65-less likelihood of running into a pregnant woman in class). Today, I have come to the realization that these familiar routines that I developed were truly a lifesaver to me during those times of crisis.  Thank you to all those who made those experiences possible, I am forever grateful.

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

Through My Eyes

{ December 21, 2011 @ 12:56 am } · { The PTSD, The Trauma(s) }
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In doing the research for my book and writing about my personal experiences, I have come to many important insights.  First and foremost that one must understand is that trauma is in the eye of the one being victimized.  If you feel helpless, fearful, scared, traumatized; you are!  It does not matter what other people may feel during that experience; it does not matter how other people may recover from that specific incident, it matters through the eyes of the victim.

Recently, I found an  extremely helpful link on Babel: The Voices of a Medical Trauma, that explains trauma through the eyes of the patient, the medical notes of the chart, and the hospital’s response.  http://www.pulsemagazine.org/Archive_Index.cfm?content_id=119  This was a critical piece for me to read and understand.  I really related to the idea that the eyes of the victim, and the experiences of the victim, were not all reflected in the medical notes and hospital response letter.  The fact that they do not match does not indicate in any way that this woman was not traumatized by her experiences. 

In looking through my own medical records, I have found significant discrepancies between what happened and how I perceived it to be.  Whether this is shoddy record keeping, or the way I viewed the trauma through my eyes does not matter.  If the patient feels traumatized, the patient needs treatment consistent with one who has been traumatized, regardless of the notes on the chart.

Thanks for Reading,

Lauren

 

It’s the Holiday Season

{ December 15, 2011 @ 7:20 pm } · { The PTSD, The Trauma(s) }
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For the past 3 years, holidays have been anything but joyous occasions.  Dodging the inevitable and seemingly benign, “How are you doing?” question was not easy and the avoidance of such questions not readily understood by many.

The holidays are a time where we often see people we have not seen in a while and those friends and family feel the need to catch up.  When one is mentally ill and physically injured, inquires about health and wellness serve as an unacceptable intrusion, especially when you are suffering with PTSD.

I remember dreading family get togethers, and would anxiously rehearse my answers to “Are you ready for number two? How’s work? What have you been up to? through angst ridden tears and panic attacks.  My overwhelming sense of how to handle these inquires was avoidance, and I often found myself leaving the room when these questions were asked and letting my husband explain my absence.

This is truly the first holiday where I am ready, and able, to talk freely and without reserve about my journey with a traumatic birth experience.  I am ready to share, are you ready to listen?

 

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

The Anger

{ November 10, 2011 @ 6:07 pm } · { The PTSD, The Trauma(s) }
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One thing that I haven’t truly addressed yet in this blog is the anger that has been a part of my life for the last 3 1/2 years or so.  The anger that was generated from a sloppy birth experience and follow-up care, resulting in physical and emotional damage.  The “why?” and “how could this happen?” mentality that manifests itself in an anger at the doctor, the hospital, and sometimes myself.

In writing my book this past year, I had a title all picked out, “Asshole.” After the asshole that delivered me, and after the resulting damage to my asshole.  Clever?  I think so.  Until recently, the anger I have felt at my delivering doctor has been profound.  It is only through extensive therapy that I have found it in me to let it go in order to be a more productive and healthy human being.

The bottom line is, my story, my life, is not about naming names, or vengeance. It’s not about anger.  This is a story of advocacy, of healing, of empowerment.  I’d like every health care professional to take note of my story during his or her day-to-day dealings with patients such as myself or prevent future clientele such as myself.  I’d like every pregnant woman, women considering pregnancy to take note of my story, and make better decisions because of it.  I’d like every adoring spouse to take heed in the strength and sacrifice of my husband during the many ordeals we have weathered together.

Thanks for reading!

-Lauren

“Boss Level”

{ October 11, 2011 @ 1:26 pm } · { The Trauma(s) }
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Last night when my husband came home, I met him with a tear streaked face and incoherent mumbling.  I’ve found that during this latest medication titration session, I’ve been able to hold it together until my biggest support walks in the door, and then I fall apart. 

I’ve mentioned in previous posts that this last medication titration has been the absolute worst.  Most likely, because this titration is the last step in the process of getting off my medication.  Headaches, brain zaps, stomach aches, fatigue, and so much more have plagued me for the last week or so.   Mix the medication titration with extended family drama, and you get a pretty grumpy individual.

Cross medication titration, extended family drama, and my time of the month and you get this statement from my husband. “Uh, oh, I’ve reached Boss Level.”  (For those of you who need an explanation-according to Wikipedia ” A boss is an enemy-based challenge (and a computer-controlled opponent in such challenge) which is found in video games.[1] A fight with a boss character is commonly referred to as a boss battle or boss fight.[2] Boss battles are generally seen at the climax of a particular section of the game, usually at the end of a stage or level, or guarding a specific objective, and the boss enemy is generally far stronger than the opponents the player has faced up to that point.”source-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boss_%28video_gaming%29

Pretty good assessment on my husband’s part.  And, his statement made me laugh, then cry, then laugh again, then cry again, OK, you get the point.

Thanks for reading!

-Lauren

PostPartum

{ September 13, 2011 @ 8:20 pm } · { The Trauma(s) }
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Today my daughter started preschool.  3 1/2 years old, and my body is just beginning to feel better after the birth of her.   I would imagine that most women who have had a child start to experience this feeling maybe 6-8 weeks postpartum.  It’s really weird to have the delay, but, somehow I feel more grateful for the normalcy then I think I would have on a “regular” time schedule.  My mind is clearing, my body is physically returning to normal.  As much jealousy I feel for those who have an “easy” time of it, I feel extremely blessed that, unlike some women, I have not had  to experience the symptoms that I have/had for years and years and years.  Thank you Interstim! Thank you PT! Thank you therapy!

Thanks for Reading-

Lauren

The Passage of Time

{ August 28, 2011 @ 11:59 pm } · { The Trauma(s) }
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So tomorrow I am going with my daughter to The Great New York State Fair.  As I sit hear thinking about going there tomorrow, I realize how “annual” events can help us remember where we were at that point in our life that we are reflecting upon.

August 2007-Pregnant with Daughter. Excited and happily awaiting my first child.

August 2008-Fair with 5 month old daughter.  I was just experiencing relief from dislocated left hip after having a series of cortisone shots.  This was the first time I really could “walk” around since having my daughter.  I carried my daughter’s diapers and my own.  Still unaware that my mental symptomology was more than just “new mother normal.”

August 2009-Fair with my 1 yr. 5 month old daughter.  I continue to carry my daughter’s diapers and my own. I am in full throws of PTSD and anxiety disorder but still trying to remain functional and preparing to teach the upcoming school year.

August 2010- Fair with 2 yr. 5 month old daughter.  I continue to carry my daughter’s diapers and my own.  I am out of work on medical leave at this point and in full throws of PTSD and anxiety disorder.

August 2011- Fair with my 3 yr. 5 month old daughter.  Neither my daughter or myself need diapers!  Treatment for PTSD is effective and efficient.

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

The Trauma(s)

{ August 22, 2011 @ 1:26 pm } · { The Trauma(s) }
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I just want to expound upon the somewhat vague ideas of physical and emotional trauma alluded to in the purpose portion of my previous post.

The following traumas are results of my childbirth experience:

Physical Traumas:  Third degree tear, hip dislocation, postpartum hemorrhage, Fecal incontinence

Emotional Traumas:  Diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and related Anxiety Disorder

I hope to address all aspects of the traumas and treatments in future blogs.

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

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