Posts Tagged ‘PTSD’

Automatic

{ April 3, 2012 @ 6:14 pm } · { The PTSD, The Trauma(s), The Treatments }
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When my PTSD was in full swing, I felt as if my life was on automatic.  Stumbling through the days in a zombie like fashion, I can recall the times between panic attacks as dull, scheduled, the same.  Keeping my routine while suffering with PTSD was very important to me.  Deviations from said routine were anxiety provoking, heart palpitating, sweat inducing experiences that I tried my best to avoid.

PTSD cannot turn on and off.  It’s always there, ready to pop out at any triggering moment.  I found it difficult to acquire new skills, capitalize on my old skills, and create new relationships.  I found it difficult to remember to fill my car with gas, drive new places, create a new recipe for dinner, make new friends, keep up with old friends, do housework, and many more.  In fact, I found it difficult to do anything but sit.  And even that was hard.  Sitting requires relaxing, and relaxing was something my mind could not do unless heavily medicated.

PTSD tears you apart, it tears your relationships apart, it knocks your skill level down, and it devastates your life.  It is not something you can have respite from.  It is something that is locked in your mind, waiting to pounce out when triggered.

Lots of family and friend support, and a competent EMDR therapist will help you emerge from the darkness of PTSD.  Time without therapy does nothing to cure  PTSD, in fact, it only makes it stronger.  Unless you want to be on automatic, with bouts of panic, I encourage you to seek the help you need.

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

Bike Riding

{ March 30, 2012 @ 4:49 pm } · { Exercising with Interstim, The Purpose, The Trauma(s) }
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The first time I was seen by a medical professional post birth trauma was 6 weeks later.  As I sat across from my OBGYN, (the same one who delivered me), she first calmly told me I was too bruised to examine.  She then proceeded to tell me about my “normal” delivery and my “normal” recovery and how it would just take time to get back to “normal.”  No mention of physical therapy, fecal incontinence surgery, PTSD treatment, just a condescending statement that “normalcy” would be achieved with time.  She then, offhandedly, remarked-“It’s not like you need to ever ride a bike again.”

WHAT?  Part of my “normal” recovery from my “normal” delivery would impact my ability to ride a bike?  I often think about this statement.  Was my OBGYN placing a thought in my head, a thought that I could reinforce with a nonchalance of “well, it’s not like I need to.”

Well, since then I have switched OBGYN’s, but the switch for the bike statement in my brain was not as easily achieved.  Until now.  I have found a bike seat that I am ready to try.  This bike seat eliminates pressure on the perineum area and claims to be both comfortable and functional for those with pelvic floor issues.

I’ll let you know how it goes!

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

Sometimes, it’s scary

{ March 29, 2012 @ 6:12 pm } · { The PTSD, The Trauma(s) }
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Sometimes, having a mental illness is scary.  For me, mental illness was scary.  Having a mental illness was frightening.  Navigating the path to getting better was downright terrifying.

Having a mental illness often alienates you from the supports you need the most.  Having a mental illness often cripples your ability to seek effective help without support.  A mental illness skews your mindset as to what is “normal,” healthy, and life affirming.

A mental illness makes life difficult.  Having a mental illness in our society is often seen as shameful, thus those suffering with mental illness are often stigmatized.

Having a mental illness is confusing and devastating.  People with mental illness are often alienated and unsupported.

Having a mental illness causes one to be misunderstood.  “She looks OK?” is a common refrain from those who do not truly understand the depth and pain one with a mental illness can experience.

Connecting mental illness as an outcome of childbirth is not easy.  Childbirth is often celebrated in American society as “the happiest day of your life.”  Because of this belief, it is difficult to connect the creation of postpartum mental illness with this time period in a parent’s life.

It is wonderful to begin to see the collective acceptance of society to some postpartum mental illness’.   It is important to keep the flow of information coming about postpartum mental illness in an effort to make all postpartum mental illness’ part of society’s collective knowledge.  Only then will resources, effective therapies, and society support be commonplace.

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

Are you a soldier?

{ March 23, 2012 @ 1:11 pm } · { The PTSD, The Trauma(s) }
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When I mention my diagnosis of PTSD to those who don’t really know anything about my back story, I inevitability get the question, “are you a soldier?”  While it is true the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is most affiliated in the public realm with war and soldier responsibilities, it is NOT true that a diagnosis of PTSD can only stem from war.

Because PTSD is a complicated diagnosis, I would encourage you to read more about by clicking the following link:  http://www.mental-health-today.com/ptsd/dsm.htm  As always, remember that the trauma is in the eye of the beholder, thus creating situations for PTSD in virtually all aspects of life, not just war.

Unfortunately, even where PTSD is most affiliated in society’s collective mindset, questions about diagnosis, effective therapy, and successful outcomes still remain.  Because of the stigma attached to PTSD, and the politics surrounding “too many” diagnosed soldiers, often many of our brave men and women are undiagnosed and untreated.

My point is, society has a long way to go in understanding PTSD.  Even in the most connected realm of war and soldier’s PTSD, there still remains many gaps in both diagnosis and treatment.  There are incredibly enormous gaps of understanding PTSD in other areas of society, besides war.  I hope that PTSD, no matter where it stems from, can move into the collective forefront of society’s mindset in the near future.

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

“Till it’s gone…”

{ March 21, 2012 @ 12:29 pm } · { The Trauma(s), The Treatments }
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So many times I have heard the phrase used, “You don’t know what you got till it’s gone.”

This is especially true with trauma.  In my case, physically and emotionally.

Hindsight is 20/20.

If I could kiss my sphincter pre-trauma, I would.  Yes, I am suggesting that if you have the ability to go to the bathroom, if you don’t even have to think about it, then, kiss your ass.  Because, guess what, it does a GREAT job.  You don’t even have to tell it to do a good job.  You don’t even have to go to physical therapy, eat a modified diet, wear protective undergarments, consider surgery-because, it’s working for you.  And guess what-you don’t know what you got till it’s gone- so APPRECIATE it!

If I could kiss my brain pre-trauma, I would.  Yes, I am suggesting that if you don’t have any of your neural networks tied up in adrenaline laced triggers, if you don’t have confusion, agitation, blocked endorphin flow, then kiss your brain.  Because, guess what, it does a GREAT job.  You don’t even have to tell it to do a good job.  You don’t even have to go to endless hours of therapy-because, it’s working for you.  And guess what-you don’t know what you got till it’s gone- so APPRECIATE it!

So, that’s it.  I didn’t know what I had, until it wasn’t there anymore.  Even though the fall-out wasn’t fun, if you’re able to get something back-it’s a truly awesome feeling.  Although it will never be the same, I can modify the phrase by saying- “You don’t know what you got till it’s gone…but if you can get it back, the appreciation and joy you will feel is overwhelming.”

So, excuse me, I need to kiss my ass now.

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

My Spidey Senses

{ March 20, 2012 @ 2:21 pm } · { The PTSD, The Purpose, The Trauma(s) }
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Remember the character Spiderman? He started off as a normal, average, guy.  But when Peter Parker gets bitten by a spider and achieves “spidey senses”- he transforms into something much more. 

In a way, I feel that a my trauma has given me a “spidey sense.”  That ability, that sense, to see that my birth situation was not entirely right, was not entirely safe, was suspicious.

Had the trauma not occurred, my research, and feelings of advocacy on the topic of birth trauma would probably have been non-existent.  Not because I would have felt that birth trauma is not important.  But because, I would not have had the “spidey sense” to be in tune to the situation.

Often, we become passionate about something personal to us.  It may be something that happened to us, or someone in our family.  It may be something happening in our city, country, or world, that personally affects us.  But until we are “bitten” we are unable to fully engage in the advocacy of change.  The changing of things that are not quite right, not quite safe, things that are ‘suspicious.”

Peter Parker used his “spidey sense” to help others.  That is the way I intend to use mine. 🙂

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

A Runcible Spoon

{ March 16, 2012 @ 6:16 pm } · { The Purpose, The Trauma(s), The Treatments }
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“They dined on mince, and slices of quince, Which they ate with a runcible spoon,”

 The Owl & The Pussy-Cat by Edward Lear

“What the heck is a runcible spoon?”  This was the question I was asked by my 4 year old daughter.  Overlooking the word “heck” as her word of choice, I asked myself, “what the HECK is a runcible spoon?”

Luckily, a friend with a smart phone quickly cleared up the confusion….A runcible spoon is….nothing, it is made up, it is vernacular associated with the writings of Edward Lear, being first introduced in his famous story,  The Owl & The Pussy-Cat.

This got me to thinking…how many times throughout my medical journey with birth trauma do I listen to “runcible” spoon jargon? I’m not suggesting that the medical community is speaking a made up language, which it turns out a runcible spoon is, I am more talking about the times I say to myself…”What the HECK is a (enter runcible spoon medical vernacular here)?”

While wading through a trauma that is rarely talked about in mainstream conversation, I have had many “runcible spoon” moments.

Some of my “runcible spoon” moments:

Pudendal Nerve, EMDR, defocography, Interstim, anal wink, anorectal manometry, fistula, prolapse

To all the above terms, and many more, I asked “What the HECK is that???”  As an advocate, I urge you to clarify those “runcible spoon” moments in an effort to maximize your care and further your understanding.

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

Today is the Day.

{ March 12, 2012 @ 6:07 pm } · { The Purpose, The Trauma(s) }
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March 12.

It’s here.

March 12, 2008-I am a mom.  My husband, daughter, and I make a family.

March 12, 2012-I am a mom.  My husband, daughter, and I make a family.

4 years does not change who I am to my daughter or what kind of familial unit I am a part of.

March 12, 2008-I am broken, traumatized, helpless.

March 12, 2012-I am pieced back together, stronger, advocating.

4 years makes all the difference, physically and emotionally.

Happy Birthday Dear Daughter.  Peace out of Pieces to me.  Blessings and Thanks to all who have helped me be who I am today, 4 years later.

Thanks for Reading,

Lauren

A Mother’s Sacrifice

{ March 8, 2012 @ 3:51 pm } · { The Purpose, The Trauma(s) }
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I love my daughter.

I loved her before she was born, before I even knew her.

I want to make it very clear that I would do anything for her.

A mother’s sacrifice is one that does not always come willingly and with a lot of thought.  A mother’s sacrifice can be something that occurs instinctively and without hesitation.

During the course of birthing my daughter, I kept praying for a healthy baby.  When things turned traumatic, she was all I could think of.  At the time, it honestly didn’t matter to me what was happening to me, as long as she was safe.  All I wanted was her to be born healthy and remain healthy.

A mother’s sacrifice.  In my case, I sacrificed my body and mind that day.  I sacrificed my sphincter and my ability to properly defecate.  I sacrificed my brain and my ability to remain untriggered at reminders of the trauma.  I sacrificed my sense of well-being, both physically and mentally.

And I would do it again.

Recently, I read this story.  http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2012/03/06/indiana-mom-loses-legs-saving-kids-from-tornado/  This story highlights a mother’s sacrifice.  A mother who protected her children from the elements of a tornado and in the process lost her legs.   I don’t know how people feel about my comparison of this women’s life to mine, however, I truly feel a deep connection to her ability to sacrifice herself at a moment’s notice when faced with the trauma.  My trauma was not a tornado, but the feelings connected with both my trauma and the elements of a tornado are identical.  Extreme fear and helplessness caused both this mother and myself to react in a way that sacrificed our own well-being for that of our children.

The news has done a wonderful job portraying this mother’s courage and sacrifice.  Wouldn’t it be nice if, sometime in the future, the media would cover and support all types of trauma and the sacrifices that mother’s make?  Making birth trauma very real to others starts with an awareness.

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

Interstimcise

{ March 8, 2012 @ 2:53 pm } · { Exercising with Interstim, Interstim }
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So, it’s March. And, I need to lose weight.  What better idea than to join the March Meltdown at my gym!

Since the birth of my daughter, in March 2008, exercise has been tricky.  Swimming, my main form of exercise, was not happening for a while (that whole fecal incontinence issue really put a damper on getting in the pool).  Anything that involved my pelvic floor (ab work, cycling)-not happening due to extreme pain.  Additionally, anything that wiggled my dislocated hip, caused me to let go of embarrassing gas, or possibly triggered my PTSD was not an ideal exercising situation.

So, I sat, and ate, and gained weight, until I weighed more than I did at my heaviest pregnancy weight.

February 2011, I joined a gym.  After years of physical therapy, and my high fiber diet, I felt that I could have a good handle on the pool situation.  I tentatively began aquasize classes, and slowly started swimming laps.  Of course, my going to the gym was always dependent on what kind of day my sphincter and mind were having.  I began to lose weight.

July/August 2011, I had my Interstim surgery.  Because of the healing time, I was out of the gym rotation for about 6 weeks.  You guessed it, I gained again.

And here we are.  March Meltdown.  Time to get serious.  Time to explore what I like to call “Interstimcise.”  This time, I am working with a personal trainer who knows about my Interstim Implant and can suggest productive, and safe, exercise that does not jiggle the implant, or put pressure on the site of incision.  Ever since I received my Interstim implant in August, I have been tentative as to how to proceed.  I have only done the low impact, aquasize classes. I am super excited to work with this trainer in an effort to learn more, burn more calories, and get back into the world of exercising with limited restrictions.

The Interstim Implant does not prevent you from exercising, however,  it is important to  proceed with the help of your Interstim provider as well as a knowledgeable trainer, so as not to disrupt the great gift that Interstim will give you.

Thanks for Reading,

Lauren

 

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