Posts Tagged ‘PTSD’

Tears and Tears

{ March 1, 2012 @ 3:53 pm } · { Interstim, The Incontinence Issue, The Purpose, The Treatments }
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Tears and Tears.  Words that sound the same, but mean very different things.  Tears (torn) and Tears (crying).  For me, there is a huge correlation between these two homophones.

When you have a baby vaginally, there is a risk that you will tear.  Recently, I came across a website that shows diagrams of vaginal tears in childbirth.  This slide show is an essential viewing point for anyone who wishes to understand visually the physical trauma of a tear.  Feel free to view here: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/vaginal-tears/PR00143

Although vaginal tears are common during vaginal birth, the severity of the tear and the “how to” of the repair differ.  In her blog, Dr. Amy-The Skeptical OB, Dr. Amy Tuteur talks about the ability to midwives to repair tears during vaginal birth. You can read her take on tearing here http://skepticalob.blogspot.com/2012/02/vaginal-tears.html.

As a recipient of a third degree tear in a hospital setting, I am curious about the ability of my doctor to repair my tear during my forceps assisted vaginal birth.  According to the mayo clinic slide show, the repair for my tear should have been a bit more extensive and done with a little more care.  Maybe it should have even been done in an operating room rather than at the foot of my delivery bed.  http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/vaginal-tears/PR00143&slide=4

Tears often follow tearing.  For me, the physical pain of the initial tear as well as the physical and emotional consequences that follow such a trauma created lots of tears.  It is my hope that midwives and doctors understand the long-term ramifications of diagnosing and repairing a tear correctly.  My tear was not repaired correctly, nor was I given the postpartum support necessary for the tear I sustained.  Luckily, I managed, on my own, to get to a rectal surgeon, and ultimately, to Interstim, to treat the incontinence issues that began with my tear.

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

Some people just don’t get it…

{ March 1, 2012 @ 4:34 am } · { The PTSD, The Purpose, The Trauma(s) }
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I have found there will always be some people who just don’t get it. They don’t get the birth trauma, they don’t get my mental illness (PTSD, anxiety), and they don’t get the severity of the physical symptoms I have (had).  They just don’t get it.  I have come to the conclusion that these people fall into one of two categories.

1.  They don’t get it because they don’t want or care to.

2.  They don’t get it because even though they want to, and try to, they just cannot understand it.

It is extremely difficult when people you love don’t get it. I would like to think that the people I love, and that love me, but “don’t get it” fall into the second category.  Even though it is often heartbreaking, I truly can understand why people “don’t get it.”  It is hard to understand something that you haven’t gone through yourself.  It is hard to understand something that is not constantly scrutinized by the media.  It is hard to understand something that is not a part of common conversation.

 

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

Anticipation

{ February 27, 2012 @ 8:07 pm } · { The PTSD, The Trauma(s) }
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A huge part of PTSD is anticipatory anxiety.  This is a diagnosis that entails the anticipation of a trigger being so bothersome that one avoids and panics over situations that may or may not happen in the future (but to the person seem imminent).

I am finally able to say that I am rid of my anticipatory anxiety. How do I know this? Because this is what used to happen…

Prior to this year, each time the calendar would flip to February, I would begin to obsessively fret over the upcoming anniversary of the birth trauma.  March 12, my daughter’s birthday AND my worst nightmare.  March 12…the build up was agonizingly terrifying.  Extreme nightmares, numerous panic attacks, involuntary facial tics, uncontrollable emotions, just to name a few of the PTSD symptoms exacerbated with anticipatory anxiety.

Prior to this year, my daughter’s birthday was a time for me to be internally fighting for control of my triggers (and losing) while trying to put on a happy face for my family.

Prior to this year, my daughter’s birthday was a time for me to cry all morning, grieving my loss, wallowing in my situation, and then trying to act functional when she blew out her candles later in the day.

Prior to this year, my daughter’s birthday was a time for me to remember how far I had to go to get back to “normal” and reflect on the fact that I was not where I want to be.

This year-it’s time to celebrate.  My daughter will be 4.  I am well.  Let’s blow out those candles and make a wish!

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

My “Birth Position”

{ February 22, 2012 @ 10:45 pm } · { My Birth Position, The Purpose }
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So, contrary to the name of this post, I’m not here to talk about the various positions in which you actually can GIVE birth, but I would like to talk about my position ON birth.

Even though MY personal experiences cause me to champion for an elective c-section birth in a hospital with lots of numbing drugs, I fully support others positions to have a non-medicated, home, vaginal birth-or something anywhere in between.

My birth position is that women should have the choice, prenatally, and during birth, to have their babies the way that they want to have their babies while preserving the mother’s health and the child’s health through a balance of the mother’s informed wishes and competent medical professional opinion.

My birth position is that women should have ALL of the information-risks/benefits on all aspects of birth prior to the actual birth of their child.  This information should be given freely and without judgement.  A mother’s birth plan should not be judged by the competent medical professional they are working with.

My birth position is that wherever the mother decides to give birth to her child, she is surrounded by competent professionals that both can support her position AND give her the medical information necessary if emergencies arise.

I recognize that birth trauma can arise from hospital births, home births, non-medicated births, medicated births,medically assisted births, and anything else that causes the mother to feel helpless and full of fear. (remember, it’s in the eye of the beholder.)  It is not up to me to tell another which birth would be less traumatizing, it’s only up to me to share MY story and help other mothers with birth trauma explore the options right for them.

So, there’s my position ON birth.

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

Merely Surviving

{ February 16, 2012 @ 5:37 pm } · { The PTSD }
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Often, I look back at the time when I was truly engaged fully with PTSD.  This time was not a happy time for me.  This time was not a productive time for me.  This time was not a time to thrive.  I was merely surviving.

Today, I picked up my daughter’s preschool pictures.  This caused me to reflect upon the amount of professional pictures I have had done of her since her birth.  hmmmmm, three times, maybe?  Let me just say, had I not been traumatized, had I not been merely “surviving” I would have had the birth, 3 month, 6 month, 1 year, 2 year, 3 year pictures.  I would have had the Christmas shots, the birthday shots, the family shots. I would have picked out the outfits, set up the appointments, agonized over which delightful picture to choose, etc.

I missed out.  To tell you the truth, I don’t know how I pulled together 3 times at a professional studio.  There are so many things that I missed the boat on during my time with PTSD, because I was merely surviving.  Does this make me sad? Absolutely!  Does this make me mad? You bet!  Do I feel guilty? NO. (This answer is achieved through hours and hours of therapy)

As the 4 year anniversary of my trauma approaches, I know that I am now in a place where I can thrive, not merely survive.  Hey, maybe I will even get in a picture with her?  We need a good family photo 🙂

Thanks for Reading,

Lauren

 

Sunny Side Up

{ February 13, 2012 @ 10:26 pm } · { The Trauma(s) }
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While looking at my medical records, I have made important mental notes about terminology with which I wish to impart my knowledge of in an effort to understand the causes of my trauma, the nature of my trauma, and the results of my trauma.

My daughter presented as occiput posterior.  Commonly known as “sunny-side up,” this presentation of the baby is when the baby is face down but facing your front.  The baby’s back of the head, the occipital bone, is forced against the mother’s tailbone. You can read more here: http://www.babycenter.com/0_posterior-position_1454005.bc?page=1

Sunny-Side Up is not an ideal way to birth your child.  Unfortunately, the care I received during labor was not ideal either, thus compounding a sunny-side up situation.  My daughter was determined to be sunny-side up, yet I was still encouraged to push on for 3 hours, while she was in this position. Labor with a sunny-side up child is pure torture.  Instead of having some semblance or relief in-between contractions, it was actually worse between because that is where my daughter’s unrelenting head met my (now) relenting tailbone.  My hospital records indicate my doctor was out of the room during this time (in the rest area-according to my mother).  After 3 hours of the most painful pushing, the doctor tried to manually turn her by forcing both of her hands into me and twisting. (didn’t work).  Through the use of forceps, my daughter was then delivered.

The consolation…the doctor told me “you should add a pound for a sunny-side up baby, because that is what it feels like you just pushed out.”  So, does 8 pounds 14 ounces get to equal 9 pounds 14 ounces?  I don’t know if this was supposed to make me feel proud or angry at the fact that I should have OBVIOUSLY had a c-section.

Although there is nothing funny about sunny-side up positioning or traumatic childbirth, the following article from Jezebel has an excellent section about the sunny-side up experience in labor.  You can read it here: http://jezebel.com/5867731/natural-childbirth-the-best-thing-i-ever-failed-at?tag=mother-load. 

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

The “F” word(s)

{ February 7, 2012 @ 2:40 pm } · { The PTSD, The Trauma(s) }
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Two words you often hear in conjunction with PTSD are fight or flight.  These two “f” words are powerful indicators of the physiological response that one experiences while being triggered. For me, this response was caused by a myriad of triggers, and the involuntary response of fight or flight proved devastating each and every time.

Fight or Flight.  Your body’s response to adrenaline, your body’s response to a perceived “true” danger that is now physiologically circuited in your body system as if it were truly happening then and now.  Believe me when I say this, even if I wanted to “talk” myself out of this response, the involuntary nature of the body would not allow me to.  When you experience trauma, that trauma can be caught in your neural networks, creating a pathway of a fight or flight response whenever your body perceives, (a trigger), the trauma.

My fight or flight response generally consisted of an immediate panic attack, complete with screaming, and huddling to the floor in a fetal position.  The nature of my response included fight (the panic), flight (the dropping to the floor), and another “f” word I would like to introduce as “Freeze.”  The arrest of all “sensible” activity whilst being triggered caused the “freeze” component of my life.  The inability to do more at that time, the inability to pull out of it, the inability to move forward.

Other “F” words I can associate with PTSD….frustrating, friendless, f***Kd

Thanks for Reading,

Lauren

The Business of Being Born

{ January 30, 2012 @ 10:51 pm } · { My Birth Position, The PTSD, The Purpose, The Trauma(s) }
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So, for a long while, people have been urging me to, and asking me if, I have watched the movie “The Business of Being Born.”  You know, the one with Ricki Lake, where she goes on her crusade for a “natural” birth.  Truth be told, this movie has been sitting in my Netflix queue for a LONG time.  I think I have always wanted to see it, however, the triggers that it may have held prevented me from pressing play, until now.

Last night, I watched it.  It was terrifyingly one-sided.  Much as I expected it to be.

As an aside, it is important to note, that my personal crusade is not for c-sections, it’s not for non-instrumental birth, it IS for women’s choice, consent, education, and the ability to have all options recognized and respected in the birth realm. 

“The Business of Being Born” paints a picture of women who choose the route of c-sections as being weak.  At one point a statistic was recited about c-sections in new york and the woman interviewed’s response summarily said, “that’s so high, I thought New York women were stronger than that.”  Ahem, stronger than what?  Making an educated decision for yourself IS strong.  Deciding what you want to do with your body IS strong.  This IS feminism people, women’s choice!  I am not degrading or demoralizing natural birth.  Because that is YOUR choice.  Get it, it’s choice that should be the issue.

Another huge scare tactic they put in the movie is the fact that women will not be able to achieve the natural oxytocin high that comes with pushing a baby out of your vagina without drugs.  This in turn will cause the ability to bond with the child to be difficult if not, non-existent. (Their words, not mine.)

Well, I have to tell you.  Had I given birth to my baby without drugs or intervention in an effort to achieve this natural high they are raving about, I would most likely be dead.  And, probably the baby too.  How natural is that?

We need to stop being so one-sided on issues giving women the choice.  I wish this movie presented the facts about natural birth and the natural act of cesarean birth in a more positive choice promoting manner.  Throughout the movie, the producers are touting the fear based agenda that the medical community and the community of women buy into about not wanting a natural birth.  However, this movie could serve to instill a fear base in viewers regarding cesarean section.  Is that any better?  Creating a flip-side fear community?  I would love to see a movie that presents all aspects of birth impartially, because there are many women who need to know the facts, not just someone’s agenda. 

Thanks for Reading,

Lauren

I’m OK too

{ January 27, 2012 @ 11:50 pm } · { Interstim, The PTSD, The Purpose, The Trauma(s) }
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Recently, I commented on a blog that also explores the very real diagnosis of PTSD after childbirth as well as the issue of birth trauma.  The post that I commented on, “Thank God the Baby is ok!” can be read in its entirety here. http://www.tobreatheagainbook.com/2011/12/thank-god-baby-is-ok.html#comment-form

I tend to agree with this posting.  So many times while relating my story to others, (family, friends, and medical professionals), I hear the phrase “At least the Baby’s OK.”  Whether it is in those exact words or some other phrasing with the same meaning, I inwardly cringe.  I know this is a well-meaning statement.  I know the people saying it to me are trying to show they care.  I know that there is a thrust in our society to look for the best of the situation.  However, I have to agree with Kerissa from “To Breathe Again” (see link above) when she states “Baby’s matter. A lot. But mom’s matter, too.”

Knowing my baby was ok and is ok does matter.  In fact, as a mom ,it was really important to me that she was ok.  In fact, I hoped that she was more than ok.  I hoped that she was healthy, beautiful, smart, joyous, etc.  All those hopes that mom’s have for their kids.

To best explain why the statement “At least the Baby’s OK” rubs me the wrong way, it is important for you to understand my perspective of that day.  The day of my daughter’s birth. The day of my trauma. It was the most wonderful day and the most horrifying day simultaneously.  I separate those two events, even though they happened at the same time.  If I am relaying to you my story, I am telling you my trial, my horror, my hell.  I am not connecting that trauma to the wonderful person that entered this world and blesses our lives daily.

I appreciate all of the support for my journey.  Yes, my daughter is ok, she’s more than ok.  And guess what?  Through hard work, therapy, some totally awesome medical interventions,  and lots of tears, I’m ok too.

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

Too Personal

{ January 26, 2012 @ 10:10 pm } · { The Incontinence Issue, The PTSD, The Purpose, The Trauma(s) }
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I’ve been told by some people that they won’t read my blog because it is “too personal.”  Yes, vaginas, sexuality, rectal scarring, anal winks, pooping, mental illness, yes, it’s personal.  But sometimes, it is easy to confuse “too personal” with shameful, dirty, and stigmatized.

I write my blog to free myself of the stigma that surrounds my circumstances.  It’s not easy to be suffering with issues that no wants to talk about, read about, hear about, listen to, etc.  To date, there are many medical issues that have reached the acclaim in our society that make them easy to talk about, empathize with, and join together for a common cause.  However, I am sure that there were people that needed to champion those causes and efforts prior to them becoming easy to talk about over a cup of tea.

I believe that I am one of a growing number of women who are no longer going to be silent.  Medical interventions, successful therapies, and political awareness only come about when there is a movement to have our voices heard.  Birth Trauma and the physical and mental devastation it can leave in its wake is an issue that I am not ready to concede is “too personal.” 

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

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