Posts Tagged ‘PTSD’

Happy New Year!

{ January 3, 2012 @ 12:50 am } · { The Treatments }
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Happy New Year to ALL!  As I think about this past year, I reflect where I was last New Year’s Eve.  Hoping and praying for something to feel “normal” again.  Not even knowing or imagining that something like Interstim would happen for me 8 months later.  Not realizing that my therapy (all of it) would end within the year.  It is truly amazing that a year can bring so much closure.  But, I would like to point out, it is not merely the passage of time that one needs to get over PTSD and physical problems.  It is through lots of therapy, hard work, medical interventions, and patience that one can overcome life’s obstacles.

With that perspective, I must keep in mind that my resolutions for 2012 won’t just happen.  I will need lots of hard work, and patience, to meet my goals.  Thank you, 2011, for showing me that medical interventions are amazing, therapy really works, and hard work can pay off.  Looking forward to a great and productive 2012!

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

Through My Eyes

{ December 21, 2011 @ 12:56 am } · { The PTSD, The Trauma(s) }
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In doing the research for my book and writing about my personal experiences, I have come to many important insights.  First and foremost that one must understand is that trauma is in the eye of the one being victimized.  If you feel helpless, fearful, scared, traumatized; you are!  It does not matter what other people may feel during that experience; it does not matter how other people may recover from that specific incident, it matters through the eyes of the victim.

Recently, I found an  extremely helpful link on Babel: The Voices of a Medical Trauma, that explains trauma through the eyes of the patient, the medical notes of the chart, and the hospital’s response.  http://www.pulsemagazine.org/Archive_Index.cfm?content_id=119  This was a critical piece for me to read and understand.  I really related to the idea that the eyes of the victim, and the experiences of the victim, were not all reflected in the medical notes and hospital response letter.  The fact that they do not match does not indicate in any way that this woman was not traumatized by her experiences. 

In looking through my own medical records, I have found significant discrepancies between what happened and how I perceived it to be.  Whether this is shoddy record keeping, or the way I viewed the trauma through my eyes does not matter.  If the patient feels traumatized, the patient needs treatment consistent with one who has been traumatized, regardless of the notes on the chart.

Thanks for Reading,

Lauren

 

It’s the Holiday Season

{ December 15, 2011 @ 7:20 pm } · { The PTSD, The Trauma(s) }
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For the past 3 years, holidays have been anything but joyous occasions.  Dodging the inevitable and seemingly benign, “How are you doing?” question was not easy and the avoidance of such questions not readily understood by many.

The holidays are a time where we often see people we have not seen in a while and those friends and family feel the need to catch up.  When one is mentally ill and physically injured, inquires about health and wellness serve as an unacceptable intrusion, especially when you are suffering with PTSD.

I remember dreading family get togethers, and would anxiously rehearse my answers to “Are you ready for number two? How’s work? What have you been up to? through angst ridden tears and panic attacks.  My overwhelming sense of how to handle these inquires was avoidance, and I often found myself leaving the room when these questions were asked and letting my husband explain my absence.

This is truly the first holiday where I am ready, and able, to talk freely and without reserve about my journey with a traumatic birth experience.  I am ready to share, are you ready to listen?

 

Thanks for reading,

Lauren

The Anger

{ November 10, 2011 @ 6:07 pm } · { The PTSD, The Trauma(s) }
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One thing that I haven’t truly addressed yet in this blog is the anger that has been a part of my life for the last 3 1/2 years or so.  The anger that was generated from a sloppy birth experience and follow-up care, resulting in physical and emotional damage.  The “why?” and “how could this happen?” mentality that manifests itself in an anger at the doctor, the hospital, and sometimes myself.

In writing my book this past year, I had a title all picked out, “Asshole.” After the asshole that delivered me, and after the resulting damage to my asshole.  Clever?  I think so.  Until recently, the anger I have felt at my delivering doctor has been profound.  It is only through extensive therapy that I have found it in me to let it go in order to be a more productive and healthy human being.

The bottom line is, my story, my life, is not about naming names, or vengeance. It’s not about anger.  This is a story of advocacy, of healing, of empowerment.  I’d like every health care professional to take note of my story during his or her day-to-day dealings with patients such as myself or prevent future clientele such as myself.  I’d like every pregnant woman, women considering pregnancy to take note of my story, and make better decisions because of it.  I’d like every adoring spouse to take heed in the strength and sacrifice of my husband during the many ordeals we have weathered together.

Thanks for reading!

-Lauren

A Broken Mind

{ October 27, 2011 @ 1:28 pm } · { The PTSD }
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A couple of years ago, I broke my elbow.  After breaking my elbow, I wore a sling and a modified cast for a couple of months.  With the visual of a battered and bruised individual fully apparent, people would ask, “Are you OK?” “What happened?”  People would sympathize and relate, “That must really hurt.”  “I remember when I broke my ___.”  People would go out of their way to be helpful, “Can I get the door for you?” “Do you need any help with dinners/shopping/childcare?”

The moral of my story is, broken bones receive support from everyone; loved ones, colleagues, acquaintances, strangers., broken minds, not so readily.

A broken mind, a mental illness, is not something that people can readily see.  It’s not something that people will readily ask about.  It’s not something that people always want the back story for.  In fact, a lot of times, people shy away from mental illness because of the stigma attached to it.

What I would like to let the world know- a broken bone and a broken mind both need support, both need sympathy, both need help from others.  Both broken bones and broken minds require professional treatment as well as a support system of loved ones, colleagues, and acquaintances.

Thanks for Reading,

Lauren

I may have drooled…

{ October 4, 2011 @ 1:58 pm } · { The Treatments }
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Last week I went for a massage, and yes, I may have drooled.  OK, I’ll admit it, I did drool.  Getting a massage for me presently is calming and not at all a trigger for the PTSD.  When I first began going for a massage after I had my daughter, I needed to make sure to communicate to my masseuse situations that would be triggers for me, things that may simulate the trauma and result in panic.  If you have an empathetic and understanding masseuse, this communication should not be a problem.  Massage can help rid your body of harmful toxins by releasing knots in your muscles and producing a feeling of overall wellness for your physical body and mind.  I’ve continued to communicate with my masseuse about my current therapies, meds, and interstim surgery in an effort to get the most out of my time on the table.  I go to the same masseuse each time so that she has a file on me and my situation.  In the beginning of each session we create a plan for a successful massage that promotes wellness.  During the massage, the masseuse makes sure that pressure is adequate and  relaxation is being achieved.  After the massage, water is provided and future water intake in encouraged.  I can’t begin to tell you how calming massage is for me.  I cannot wait to drool at my next one.  You should give it a try!

Thanks for Reading,

Lauren

Panic Attacks

{ September 27, 2011 @ 1:44 pm } · { The PTSD }
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My panic attacks were very severe.  They started with the development of tunnel vision, in which my peripheral was narrowed visually and I was unable to hear anything besides my own negative thoughts.  I then physically crumpled to the floor, often assuming the fetal position.  My breathing became rapid, my chest tight, my face flushed, and tears just flowed out of my squeezed shut eyes.  Often times, I would begin screaming as visual, verbal, and tactile stimuli from the trauma began to assault my senses.  I sometimes would begin choking, as it felt as if my airway was closing.  Twitching and facial grimace tics were also a very real and painful part of my panic, due to the adrenaline rush that was going through my body.

These panic attacks, or the very real fear that I was going to have a panic attack, kept me from my life.  They kept me from engaging in activities in which I perceived that there may be a trigger to the trauma.  These panic attacks caused me to live a very sheltered life at the height of my PTSD.  These panic attacks can only go away through skillful therapy in which your triggers are neutralized.

Here is a great article on Panic Attacks:  http://anxietypanichealth.com/2008/10/01/im-dying-what-a-panic-attack-feels-like/

Thanks for Reading,

Lauren

Food Numbing

{ September 22, 2011 @ 1:25 pm } · { The PTSD }
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Throughout my therapy, I have learned many new terms.  One such term is “food numbing.”  When I was pregnant with my daughter I gained about 60 pounds. (yikes!)  After I had her, I lost about 30, and then slowly crept back up another 30.  So, all in all, even after having my daughter I weighed about 60 pounds more than when I initially got pregnant.

Immediately after the trauma, I realized I was eating, eating, eating.  It didn’t matter what, as long as I was chewing.  High carbs and high caloric foods were my drug of choice.  Upon talking to my therapist I have realized that food can really truly function as a “drug of choice.”  When you are suffering from PTSD, the serotonin re-uptake inhibitors in your brain are not functioning as they should, essentially, they are broken.  This leaves one unable to complete the loop of the “feel good” serotonin that usually  provides a calming and pleasant kick back function for your personal wellness.  High caloric and high carb foods help to complete that cycle for the time being, they provide a temporary “food numbing” phenomenon that tells your brain, “this is good, keep eating, it calms you.”

Initially, I was only able to cut the “food numbing” vice when I went onto anti-anxiety medications.  The medications provided a “fix” for the “broken” serotonin re-uptake inhibitors and allowed the cycle to proceed as before.  In reducing and titrating off of my medications, I am finding that I am slipping back into a food numbing coping mechanism.  It is in realizing this that I will be able to replace my high carb and high caloric foods with other activities that produce serotonin in a non-detrimental way. 

One such way is exercise.  In joining a gym I have found that a good work out can produce those same feel good enzymes as medication and food.  Bonus-It helps me lose the weight too!

Thanks for Reading,

Lauren

Support Systems

{ September 16, 2011 @ 12:18 pm } · { The Treatments }
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This week I began my quest to set up a support system for those suffering with fecal incontinence.  The following is a flyer I distributed to my rectal surgeon’s office, another local rectal surgeon’s practice, and my physical therapist’s office.  If you are interested in the actual flyer for any reason, please contact me via e-mail and I will send it to you as a document.  Below is the flyer copied and pasted from my own document:

Dear Friend,

I suffer from Fecal Incontinence.

In March of 2008, I delivered my first born vaginally with the help of forceps.  I experienced a third degree tear in the process.  In the weeks following delivery, it became apparent that I had suffered damage to the rectal sphincter.  I was diagnosed with fecal incontinence and began physical therapy in May of 2008.

Because of the traumatic nature of my delivery, I also suffered emotionally.  I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with related anxiety disorder by the following year. 

The past three years of my life have been filled with endless appointments with physical therapists, rectal surgeons, OBGYN’s, psychologists, and psychiatrists’.  I ended up leaving work in April of 2010, after the physical and emotional stress resulting from the situation landed me in the hospital recovering from one of my many panic attacks. 

 I heard about Medtronic from my rectal surgeon in June and was ready to try anything that could possibly increase my ability to control my bowel incontinence.  Medtronic Interstim has changed my life.  From the moment of implant, I recognized changes in my function.  I could feel again.  I could clench again.  I could CONTROL my bowel movements again.  It is truly a miraculous therapy.  I have very little issue with bowel incontinence since the first implant.

Recently, I have begun blogging about my experiences with Interstim as well as the events that caused me to be incontinent in the first place.  My blog is called Peace out of Pieces and can be found at peaceoutofpieces.com.  Please feel free to read, comment, and pass along to anyone that may be interested.

My goal is to facilitate a support group that allows people who suffer with Fecal Incontinence, have had the Medtronic Interstim surgery for bowel incontinence, people who are considering the surgery, inquiring health care professionals, and the advocates that support Interstim to come together to talk about pertinent and practical issues surrounding the therapy and the situation.   Please contact me if you are interested at peace4Lauren@gmail.com Dates, times, and locations for the group to meet will be discussed via e-mail.  I look forward to hearing your stories and meeting you in the near future!

Thanks for Reading!

-Lauren

PostPartum

{ September 13, 2011 @ 8:20 pm } · { The Trauma(s) }
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Today my daughter started preschool.  3 1/2 years old, and my body is just beginning to feel better after the birth of her.   I would imagine that most women who have had a child start to experience this feeling maybe 6-8 weeks postpartum.  It’s really weird to have the delay, but, somehow I feel more grateful for the normalcy then I think I would have on a “regular” time schedule.  My mind is clearing, my body is physically returning to normal.  As much jealousy I feel for those who have an “easy” time of it, I feel extremely blessed that, unlike some women, I have not had  to experience the symptoms that I have/had for years and years and years.  Thank you Interstim! Thank you PT! Thank you therapy!

Thanks for Reading-

Lauren

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